Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
