Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
