happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Randomize
