so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
where does the pee come out of this thing
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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