and you said cock pushups were impossible
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
This toilet bowl is my home.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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