He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Randomize
