I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
no, he came in my armpit
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
