dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
