His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
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