i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
