The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
