this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
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