News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
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