Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
