also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
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