i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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