he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Randomize
