I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Randomize
