He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
