I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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