apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Randomize
