If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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