Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
dude. I can hear the air.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize