You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
