do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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