Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
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