It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
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