it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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