Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Is Jonathan Taylor Thomas a gay? I need you to google search it for me. Its important
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
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