Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
