Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize
