Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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