well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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