Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Randomize
