The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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