The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
