i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
