Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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