where am i from again
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Randomize
