Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
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