I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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