I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I love having hate sex.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
