Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize