you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
