Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
