Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
