This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Randomize
