You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
My ATM looks so different sober.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
