I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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