I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
