Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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