it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Randomize
