Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I want to fling myself into the sun
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Randomize
